Walking Shoes

My much anticipated return to school has left me feeling, for lack of a better term, deflated. Though I have found some aspects of the collegiate world challenging, they are not in the areas I had anticipated. I was sure I would be confronted with intellectual assessments resulting in a deep analysis of my abilities. What I was NOT prepared for was the physical repercussions my complete fear of failure would produce.

I sit here, before this screen, an entirely different person than the one who skipped through her days, oblivious to the mental anguish a return to school may cause. I do not understand how, exactly, these feelings came into play, but you can rest assured this is not some cry of angst intended to evoke sympathy. This is merely an admission of guilt!!!

There have been several “reasons” why I have missed the occasional class… and even entire DAYS of lessons. However, the importance of said reasons would not hold weight if strictly examined. I am aware of this. I am bothered by this. Mostly, I am appalled by my actions, or rather, inactions. “If you don’t try, you can’t fail” has been the theme of my first month of school… And for that, I am not only guilty; I am ashamed!!!

Nevertheless, I am happy to report that my self-pity is over and I have since moved my “Self-
Destruct-Button” further from the reach of my ever itchy trigger finger. I have placed my pretentious nose closer to the grindstone that taunts my subconscious; and for that, I am happy once again. There is a slight skip in my step that I will continue to carry with me if it freaking KILLS me (which it will NOT)!!! For I am INDESTRUCTIBLE once more… or something a little less dramatic and easier to live up to…

*Please feel free to correct my punctuation (aside from the occasional “…”, which is my standard of implementing a pause in thought) so that I may be more accurate in my English class!!! (Exclamation points are also excluded from your edit!!!) Lol… (as was that “lol”… and this next one)… lol!!! 

2011
As I sit here in this New Year
Lost in ponderous thought
Reflecting on the one that’s gone
All battles waged and fought

The visions swirl and toss and curl
Through my mind’s bloodshot eye
Old bridges burned; new lessons learned
Each “hello” and sad “goodbye”

I curse the fate that set this gate
For me, so ghastly slow
And cuss the roots that fix my boots
To this loathsome chunk of loam

The icy blow that seems to know
Just how to chill me through
Peels apart my troubled heart
With nothing left in lieu

But I’ll not fear this infant year
Nor tremble at its door
The one that passed can kiss my ass
I’m here to settle the score!

I'll be the first to admit that I have formed many ideas about life from my cinematic exposures. And... thanks to Mr. Hitchcock, and my mother's faith in my brain's maturity, I formed many opinions about death... and showers... and birds. <shudders>

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I believe in true love and happily ever after... all the things little girls are supposed to believe in. I still get weepy when I think of Bergman and Bogey saying their goodbyes on that air strip... He was my first love... that Humphrey Bogart. I remember when I hit about 8 or 9... and realizing that all the men I had such HUGE crushes on were no longer in their "prime" if even alive at all... I mentioned Bogey... Jimmy Stewart, Spencer Tracy, Van Heflin, Cary Grant... Oh I could go on and on ad nauseum... oh yes... and John Forsythe... YUMMY!!! 

Lest I forget my leading lady crushes... Starting with the one true Goddess of the Silver Screen... Princess Grace! OMG. Audrey Hepburn, Lizabeth Scott, Gene Tierney, Ingrid Bergman, and Kim Novak... again... until my fingers could type no more... I could list them all. I wanted to walk like them, TALK like them and oh to wear the clothes... the hats... the hair pinned up just so... I've been there before, I just know that I have. I've dreamed it. I've even had flashbacks that made absolutely no sense whatsoever! And NO, I wasn't drinking... but I would love to lie back on my chaise lounge in my house coat, sipping brandy from a giant snifter and caring nothing about the smoke lingering in the air and its effect on my drapery. Ahh to live again when lipstick came in various shades... of RED... and women carried "hand bags" and clutches... wore clip on earrings and gaudy pearls. Now THAT is where my comfort zone is…

whoa Dani… who the hell is driving this piece?

Sorry folks, we just took a small detour through Tangential Land... AAAAAANNNNNNND we're BACK!

Where was I going with this whole thing??? OOoo... and hose with the seams up the back... now that is HOT!!!

Okay.. I had to look in my rear view real quick... on to the Hancock Hypothesis... the whole POINT of this little story

My views and opinions of life... are a combination of living it and viewing it. I believe in many things that, until the last 30 years or so, were considered outrageous. Thank you 60's and 70's for opening the minds of the world to a little thing called The Universe. I believe in reincarnation. I believe in the soul’s journey for what it considers "perfection".

For some people, perfection might mean achieving a certain status or righting any wrongs they felt they may have done, or that were done to them. All of these things make perfect sense and there's no proof positive that it ISN'T the case... so I believe that it is.

My thinking is... if it brings NO HARM... then leave it be. I don't think there will be any WARS over my views. I'm not asking anyone to push a button or pull a trigger... so WHATEVER... I can be as flaky as I wannabe!!! lol

I have been "in love" many times. I have felt love many times. But, I was still, always searching... even when I thought I was happy... there was a part of me that was still looking for something or someone more.

It's kind of like seeing a picture on the wall... a lovely picture with a magnificent frame around it. When you see it, you think "Wow... Now THAT is perfect..." ... and then someone comes along and "mats" the picture and puts it back in that same frame... and it suddenly makes sense. It draws out the hidden colors you didn't see before... The picture that was quite beautiful in the frame alone... now… well, it takes your breath away.

In watching this movie, "Hancock", I heard  Charlize Theron (another Goddess) deliver her lines in reference to these certain "people" who were created in pairs... and all at once... my skin pricked... the hairs on the back of my neck stood erect... and my mind did this swooshy thing it does when an epiphany has just entered its hallowed halls... “THAT'S IT!!!” 

Have you ever met someone for the very first time... and felt so magnetically drawn to that person... that you didn't even have to walk toward them... you sort of floated there?  Have you ever touched the hand of a certain someone... and felt the energy leave your body and enter theirs... and at the same time... their energy left their body and entered yours??? And I don't mean butterflies or goose bumps... I'm talking touching 220v while standing in a bucket of water kind of energy!!! This “someone” can melt you with just one look and heat you with just one touch or smile. You could spend hours just sitting in the same room, and feel as though you’ve talked all day. They can make your heart beat faster and slower at the same time… and you never dare to speak the words, “I love you”, because to speak them or hear them could never compare to feeling them. If you have… you’ve met your “pair”.

Now here’s where the ‘Hancock’ part gets a little deeper. (And if you’ve made it this far… YAY YOU… you’re doing GREAT!)

We were all created – formed – designed… however your belief system works in re: to birth… with a Counterpart. A “Soul Mate” if you will… and through each of our journeys on this little planet of ours, we bounce around a lot of the same energies over and over again. No one really knows why or how… other than Matter is attracted to Like Matter… (energy, what have you… I’m not a scientist… I’m just a gushy girl with a theory)…

All the while we are tossed around hither and yon (I’ve always wanted to use that phrase in one of my writings… so now I have… CHECK)… umm… oh yeah… hither and yon, our mind – our BRAIN – the big fat stupid organ that keeps us from believing in such tomfoolery is just going along as if it’s never been here before. “Oh, look at the pretty sky and flowers. Oh I need this and I need that, Wow… look at how smart I am”…

Meanwhile… in the nether regions of “us”… The SOUL or spirit… is going INSANE!

“Damn you stupid brain… I know the sky is pretty… Yes, that girl looks nice… Why do we have to go through this EVERY single TIME… I’ve got SHIT to do!”

If you think of it as a computer… our brain is our RAM… and our Soul is our hard drive. You can have a 50 terabyte hard drive… but we limit our brains to 1 or 2 gigs of RAM… and our soul is working it’s hardest to locate all the things it knew and learned from the previous cycles… I’m tellin’ ya… it’s a wonder we ever find our Counterpart.

Now, when I say “Counterpart” that is not to say I take to the theory that “Opposites Attract”. It’s somewhat true… because it does happen. I’ve done the magnet experiment in school… so yeah, I get that… But in people, it’s just too hard to maintain a healthy relationship with a true “opposite”… So many people have tried to prove the O.A. T.… and I have yet to see it work even once… that my pea brain will allow me to recall anyways… lol

Please, don’t get down about this… there is some light here… and then a little gray… but then there’s more light. So here we go:

From time to time, as our lives twist and turn the way lives do, we meet our Counter. We may know them only for a moment… or have some turbulent love affair that is later captured in poetry or sonnets or plays. But when it happens… you will know it almost immediately. And it will remain burned into your pages for as long as you can remember them.

Your soul feels lost without theirs nearby. It is loneliness like no other… to have found your Counter and then lost them. And you feel as though no other love will ever be able to replace it… (This was the gray part.)

But fear not, my friends, for you shall meet your Counter again… maybe not in this life… but in another to come. I believe that each time we circle back through… it takes less and less time to find them… that bits and pieces of each memory gets etched into our hearts deeply enough that our new shell can’t quite cover the lines anymore. We will come around again and again until… the two pieces are joined in love at last… and then, we are done.

We have learned all there is to learn. We have done all there was to do. And we have loved and been loved by the one who was there from our beginning and who will be there in the end!

The END!

The Logitech Notebook Webcam is just about THE BEST $40.00 I have EVER spent!

(After writing that last sentence… I went on a mental montage of forty dollar purchases… trying to find one better… and the only thing I could come up with was my white, patent leather, six-inch platform, knee-high go-go boots that have the precise angle built-in to shape and lift my ass to perky posterior perfection… and… each time I zip them up… caress my calves like no one else can)

I was so excited when I got home. Like a kid on Christmas Eve who just got home from Santa’s house! I got the package open as quickly (and injury free) as possible… set it all up to work with Skype… then… I FINALLY got to push the ‘Call with Video’ button. Oh yeah baby!!! I was practically jumping up and down. We were going to be able to see each other for the first time… in REAL time!

His number rang… and rang… and rang… I glanced up at the time… It was only like 5:00… “NOOOOOoooooo… DAMMIT!!!” 5:00 PM PST… which meant it was 1:00 AM GMT!

The Speed of Sight/Sound being much faster than the Speed of Finger… he had answered the call before I had the opportunity to abort the Virgin Mission of Operation Jetson…

“’Ello!”

Shit!!! I could tell from the raspy crackle in his voice that I had just interrupted a long awaited appointment with The Sandman… an appointment that had been scheduled and missed repeatedly over the last month or so… and those that were kept… were unproductive at best…   So, in an effort to dilute the level of my intrusion… I chose the “Beg forgiveness” method first!

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetie… I just realized what time it is. Did I wake you?” (Why do we ask that question when we know the answer??? Actually… don’t answer that… I already know… lol)

Even though I had expected a child-like reminder of the eight hours he had on me and my day… along with a recap of how much sleep he had been missing… the response I was hoping for was a little “softer” than the  sharp morph of the words “yeah” and “yup” I received.

“Aww… I really am sorry… I was just too excited to think, I guess.”… Hoping he might ask ‘Why?’ and then I’d tell him about the webcam… and he’d immediately be awake and jumping at his computer…

“Well, I’ll let you go back to sleep, babe… I just wanted to let you know, I bought a webcam so we can see each other now…”

No response! 

In a last ditch effort to peak his interest and possibly rustle up a dose of forgiveness, I said, “Okay… We’ll try it tomorrow… after you’ve had the chance to get your rest! G’nite then…” Surely he’ll respond better to that…

Again… no response. After about 30 seconds of my slow-motion-reach for the “End Call” button, I receive a very cool/agitated, “Yeaup”, which was quickly followed by “Alright… Speak to you in the morning …”

I was frozen… I didn’t want to move a muscle. How did THAT go so completely wrong? I didn’t hang up… neither did he. I could hear his deep breathing… and convinced myself that he was Sleep Skyping… and would have no recollection that I, no matter HOW accidental, I had shown blatant disregard for the: Reasonable Phone Hours Guidelines we had established only a week ago! (I use the term ‘WE’ loosely in this instance… as I was more on the listening end of that conversation than the speaking end!)

In the weeks that led up to this mishap… neither of us had been getting any sort of quality sleep. We had barely slept a straight 5 hours since I had started utilizing my PSP in our Skyping sessions. Our schedules were so out of whack, we didn’t know if it was day or night some of the time. His hours had bled into my hours… and vice versa. It was the worst case of Jet-Lag EVER suffered by people who hadn’t stepped foot aboard a plane, train or any form of transportation. We hadn’t even left our homes… and still we were feeling the pull of those 8 time zones and five thousand miles of Mother Earth that laid between us.

It wasn’t just being “tired”, though. Whatever we were doing… whatever “this” was… it was simply unheard of. Unprecedented confusion and uncertainty was all bundled together with this unmistakable feeling of familiarity and security.

Most relationships, when first beginning, go through a Green Broke stage.

 You can get the saddle on… and even a bridle… you climb in that saddle and it seems to go smoothly for a bit. Then, outta the blue, clear sky… that pony will start bucking and snorting… even though it knows its efforts are futile... and not in harmony with its soul’s true aspiration.

We all seem to do the same damn thing with each other.  You want to talk to them or spend time with them… you’re thinking about them a lot… or all the time… and for some reason, this agitates you… you even get pissed at the other person for making you want to be with them… as if they’re doing it On Purpose!!! It’s all part of that innate fear of hurt and rejection… just another stupid tool in our Self-Preservation Box. Well, add to that box the natural instinct to share your existence with another… the heart’s desire to love and be loved… It’s a wonder the Earth is as populated as it is.

We had had several conversations that lasted hours… and covered more topics than I could’ve imagined possible between just two people. They went from light and humorous nattering to the occasional, flirty pillow-talk… and from the more serious Advisory Conferences and Verbal Reward Ceremonies to the essential (and numerous) Shoulder Sessions.

A couple more calls followed… more chatting… more emails and then came SKYPE… an invention that has made this world an even smaller place to live. (I mean that in the most wonderful way)

“Do you have Skype?”, he asked during one of our chats.

I didn’t have Skype. I had tried it once before but never had anyone to talk to… so I had forgotten all about it. After a few hiccups on my end, I was quickly up and running. I plugged in my headset/mic and moments later, I was speaking to him in STEREO!!! He was right there… in the room… with me!

It was like watching a DVD in surround sound for the very first time… only I was one of the lead characters and he… well… he was co-star/supporting role/narrator all rolled into one magnificent and imaginary person! Oh he was real, all right. More real to me than I think anyone else could have suspected. Even he could never have guessed how real he was to me. This Mafioso/Profile – turned ‘neighbor’  – turned ‘Interest’ – turned virtual friend – had become a real, live person. Not just someone with all the regular stuff: a name, a mother and father, a sister, a job… but someone with reactions and responses, a “tone of voice” and sense of humor. He was a person now existing in my life.

Our interactions spanned across many pieces of the ‘Net. Addresses were exchanged and Google Earth was employed. He took me on a guided tour of the area he called home… and I took him on a walk down memory lane… and told him why the vehicles and garage found at my Google Earth address were no longer. Messaging and email was used as our main source of communication. Skype was saved for those moments when I could actually “speak”… (any parent out there knows exactly what I’m talking about… so I digress)

I didn’t realize how truly present he had become until I noticed a change… a change in me!!! There were times when some small, insignificant thing would occur during my day and I could hear his exact response to it… almost immediately… in my head! Like an involuntary reflex or ‘knee jerk’, if you will. Even now, as I’m writing this for all to see, I cannot swear to you that it wasn’t, what you might consider, a little “coo-coo”; however, I can tell you it is as bona fide now as it was then. So, judge all you like… I’m not the one still reading the ramblings of a nut job… YOU ARE! Hehehe… Now where was I??? Oh yes… Imagination… 

My artistic and extra sensory abilities, my exposure to and love of romantic media, my dire need to be rescued and his seemingly supernatural abilities to supply intellectual, liberating and amorous stimuli was a combination of Universally Quixotic proportions. To sum all that into one word… I would have to say, it was EPIC! The reason I am sharing it with you, my friends, is because it is a story that deserves to be told.

Our time difference of eight hours was beginning to wear a little thin on us, though neither one of us cared to admit it. It had been months of messaging and Skyping… and we had learned the ins of one another so well that it just became logical to meet. If we were two people who had met per my previous “Bus Scenario”, we would have already been a “couple” by normal dating standards. However, this was not the case. We definitely knew the “in’s” but not so much the “out’s”.

Sure, I had seen his pictures… he had seen mine. I would even take pictures WHILE I was talking to him… then send them or post them… just to make me seem more… tangible! Sometimes it worked. Sometimes I wanted to rip out my hair. My imagination could only take me so far and there were days when just talking to him made me feel even MORE alone than if he wasn’t there at all. So after much consideration… (45 minutes) Hannah and I walked to Target where I purchased the “Next Level” in our relationship… My WEBCAM!!!

I waited… as nervously and impatiently as I had been in my visions… and… NOTHING! No call. I checked my phone and it was working. I checked for missed calls… and even checked to see if I had missed a missed call… Nope! Nadda! Nothing! I went from feeling nervous to crushed in the blink of an eye… that is… until his chat box popped up in my window to inform me that he was having trouble getting the call to go through… so I called him instead. The moment I heard the tell-tale ‘ring-ring, ring-ring’ of an International call… my heart started pounding so hard in my chest… I thought for sure I was going to give myself away. All the blood in my body rushed to my ears and it sounded like the ocean breeze was blowing through my head.

(Ha Ha… Insert blonde joke here… and get it over with… I’ve got a story to tell)

“Hello.” He said in a quiet voice… a quiet, shy voice with an accent that made my ear melt right to the phone… which would have been helpful only moments later when I, in all my jittery nervousness, pressed the phone too hard against my cheek… thus hanging up on him. This was an action that repeated its self, SEVERAL times over the length of our entire conversation. (Looking back now… he really should’ve had a better idea what he was getting himself into?!?)

Our conversation consisted of me:  apologizing for hanging up, laughing my nervous laugh and then saying “Really?” a LOT (which I did to cover up the fact that I either didn’t hear him or possibly didn’t understand him). We discussed the price of “petrol” and he told me how he had just fueled up earlier only to discover he’d left his wallet at home… after pumping the fuel. (I’m not even going to make a comment here about how I, in more recent times, have been referred to as a… what was that word again… Oh yes… Scatterbrain!!! Because that would be petty… hehehe)

This next part is not what this piece is about and I don’t wish to dwell on it here… However, it was a huge part of me finding the strength to leave and stay gone; and as such, is deserving of at least a tangential side note…

Through several chats… conversations… late-night skyping sessions… this man showed me that I was a woman worthy of love, deserving of life and entitled to happiness… He helped me reignite the pilot light in the very heart of me that lit up the way to my freedom! When the rains and wind threatened that light… he stood watch over me and kept it burning. When I felt alone and afraid, he reminded me of all the people I had cheering for me… when there was no end in sight… he showed me how far I had come… and he did all of these things from five thousand miles away…

And that, my friends, (much like the Hokey Pokey) IS what it’s all about!!!

There were a couple more calls that followed… more chatting… more emails and then came SKYPE… an invention that has made this world an even smaller place to live. (I mean that in the most wonderful way)